A Keeper of Secrets

The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.Saint Jerome (374 AD - 419 AD)

Today's Quote

"Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough. Not only have I found that when I talk to the little flower or to the little peanut they will give up their secrets, but I have found that when I silently commune with people they give up their secrets also – if you love them enough." 

George Washington Carver

"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."

Leonard Cohen

I found myself making this statement to someone in apology yesterday, 'I understand that it's irritating (the sometimes neurotic aspect of my behaviour, which pops up occasionally and gets mostly in my own way), however, it's my learned response, I know it's not rational, my brain knows that, my emotional self doesn't always get it. When it does, it's sometimes a bit slow on the uptake. I also understand that can be changed, I'm working on it, I don't always get it right'. This expression though put a train of thought puffing into motion for me as I sat down later and started thinking about how we learn to respond in different ways to different triggers and how awareness of this can help to change it. The topic today is not about any particular part of our lives i.e. relationships or work or friends etc, this is something that affects every aspect of life. Our ability to be willing to communicate as honestly as possible, has an impact on everything that we do.

Another of my learned behaviours or responses my whole life has been as a keeper of secrets. This is such an insidiously subtle behaviour. As a child I was forced to keep many secrets in order to keep the peace. I learned very young that information in the wrong hands was as damaging and wounding as a blade or bullet, and in one terrifying incident coming face to face with an actual blade was enough to convince me for a very long time that never missing a good opportunity to shut up was a good policy to go with.

I was young and often 'fluffed' the story, while having to lie on other's behalf for reasons at the time I didn't have the faintest hope of understanding. Don't tell X this, or Y that, it'll just cause a scene. If you see ……………. Don't mention that ……….was here…………….. It was in getting the 'story' wrong that brought on screaming and shouting and pain in some shape size form or variety. Another aspect to this was of course the guilt. Whenever I was cornered for the truth and somehow got the story wrong I believed the subsequent nuclear fallout was my fault. 

I learned that telling the truth would bring about angst. That being honest would bring a retributive action that would be thrown back at me with the accuracy of a circus knife thrower. So, I shut up as best I could and answered only when forced to and with as much vagueness and smoke screening as possible. My responses became fear driven. I remember saying 'Dad I love you' and his sneering rejection of that because I had been forced to lie to him. It left me believing to this day that my love is not good enough.

One of the secrets I learned best to keep was my own emotions and true feelings. So I learned to protect myself, by saying as little as possible and never truly revealing myself. Unfortunately, for me, my truth is always visible very expressively in my eyes and on my face. This then leads me to thinking about another topic we've covered before which is expressing your truth. What does that really mean hmmmm? We love to throw the new agey expression around

'Feelings need expression not repression. Often we are tempted not to express because of the fear of loss or rejection. Stare loss in the face and do it anyway. When I realise the outcome is not the point but the process of sharing feelings, I can step forward bravely'SARK – Living Juicy

The fear of making myself vulnerable is often so big and the inane blah, blah so much easier than the truth that the real thing, what I truly want to say more than anything else gets lost. What also gets lost is the expression of my true being and my true self. I have been striving recently to be as honest as I can in my communication it's not always easy though.

When you don't express, what needs to be said, You take on all the responsibility yourself and you do not give the other person a chance to respond. You also only have half the information you need. They do not have an accurate sense as to what they are actually thinking or feeling either. Essentially, it's really quite condescending. What you are saying in effect is 'I believe you cannot handle the truth, therefore I'm not going to tell you'. Alternatively, we end up giving away our power by saying 'I believe if I tell you how I feel, you will hurt me with the information, therefore, I'm not going to tell you'

"We dance round in a ring and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows" Robert Frost

Very often, we learn that expressions of feelings do make us vulnerable and we have all felt the sting of rejection. Either that or we know the possible confrontational repercussions of saying something someone else does not want to hear. 

We then take the responsibility on for what is actually their issue to deal with by saying, 'I don't want to hurt you by speaking up' this is a form of dishonesty, very passive, but dishonest nonetheless, and no one likes to be lied to. We have all had feelings or something we've shared about ourselves used against us somehow. All of this reluctance to speak up and express has its root cause in negative based feelings and fears.

However, we are not here to hide in the shadows of imagining. We are not here to guess at how other people may feel or think. We are essentially on this planet to learn, to relate, and to communicate with one another. So even if the response to an expression of feeling is not what we would like it to be. That is not the real point. The point is that we have shared. The point is that we only have each other as the mirrors and reflections of our inner beliefs, values, joys, hopes, and dreams. Living your life hiding these emotions and feelings from others is like living with all the lights off and trying to guess or feel your way around in the dark. The only way to illuminate a matter, to shed light on a subject is to express how you feel about it.

In our fear, we often forget that someone may need very much or want to hear what we have to say. Not only is it true that they may want to hear it they may well be very grateful for it. It may confirm something for them. It may help them improve in some way. The truthful understanding of how you feel may release them and allow them to move on. It may start something wonderful. Have you ever had to tell someone about a bad personal habit, and been worried about saying something? Then when you have that person has been grateful, because they are now able to change that thing and improve. Self-expression is a very valuable and essential tool in all of our relationships. It brings about honest relationships and true understanding. Do not run away from expressing your truth; rather embrace it as a way to move forward in your life with courage and honesty

'Only in relationship can you know yourself, not in abstraction and certainly not in isolation. The movement of behaviour is the sure guide to yourself. It's the mirror of your consciousness; this mirror will reveal its content, the images, the attachments, the fears, and the loneliness, the joy the sorrow. Poverty lies in the running away from this, either in its sublimations or its identities'.J Krishnamurti

Please visit my website www.shoowah.com for more information about me and the therapies I offer as a Tarot, Rune, Hand Reading (Chirology), Spiritual Counsellor and Massage Therapist (including sensual massage, you can visit my sister site www.feralgrace.co.za for this) from Buccleuch Sandton and one day a week in Randburg. You can contact me on 072 298 7628 or by email info@shoowah.co.za