Who's your stalker?

Everyone I know these days is being stalked. This word pops up in current conversations like toast out of an unwatched toaster in the breakfast of relationship discussions everywhere. I’d like to argue that it’s used primarily by my ‘I’m so into myself’ ego-maniacal male friends, but I’m forced to admit, that it’s a word flung around just as often by my female friends.

I’m on the shadier side of 46, and have kicked relationship issues around as have many of my friends for years now, however, never before have I been so hesitant to engage with anyone lest I,m branded a stalker. Rose, in the popular comedy sitcom "Two and a Half Men", has made stalking fashionable and most red-blooded single men I know, seem to fancy themselves as the irresistible Charlie Sheen.

In a popular nightclub recently while out on a date with one of the resident DJ’s a man so into his own ‘God is a DJ’ image it was hard to get some available head space with the man never mind heart space, we ran into an ex-fling, apparently.

He pointed her out to me with the comment ‘I was involved with her, but she turned into something of a stalker’ I was startled and then amused therefore when he called her over first having to actively get her attention and said ‘I tried to phone you to put you on my guest list this evening’. Whereupon she gave him a glare to melt the wall-paper and said ‘clearly I managed to arrange entrance all on my own and no thanks’. So much for the stalker which lead me firstly to collapse into silent giggles and amen’s of accolades for this together lady and secondly wonder who indeed was stalking who?

I met someone at a trance festival recently as the trance scene is fairly tight in Jozi the community is small. I mentioned that I’d seen his name crop up on Facebook. To which this dread-locked Bob Marley wannabe mused in what is quickly becoming boring rhetoric ‘Oh, are you a stalker?’ Sweet blessed Mother! Save me from these insanely stupid comments from seemingly intelligent people!

A few days ago a female friend proudly announced ‘I have a stalker!’ On further prodding investigation from me it seems some poor man had called her a few times and sent her flowers. ‘Did you respond?’ was my question. ‘Well yes,’ she admitted. ‘And you answer his calls, reply to his emails and agree to see him socially?’ ‘Yes’ she agreed. ‘So how is he stalking you then?’ I ask perplexed. ‘Is his attention unwanted? If it is, you have an odd way of communicating this to him.’ To me, saying a firm no should stop any unwanted attention. If it doesn’t then you may be entering the realm of having a stalker.

And here we have the real issue. Stalking is not funny. It is not something to pin on oneself as a badge of acceptance and attractiveness to others and it is offensive to anyone who has truly been stalked in the real and scary sense.

I’ve been stalked in the true sense. To be the object of obsessive possessiveness is terrifying. Not only was my life threatened but my self-esteem took a knock.

So why are people bandying the term around? Is it a symptom of our celebrity crazy world? Do we need to fan our egos by fantasising that we are being stalked?

Making this phrase trendy brings a cry wolf element to the mix. This is the danger of allowing this word and the associated behaviour to become commonly accepted.

If you are being harassed by someone obsessively at work or socially and if that person treats you with a sense of "ownership", then you are being stalked. This obsessive lovingness can quickly turn to vengeance, especially if the stalker is rejected.

These days if I am drawn to a man, I am far more guarded. It’s taken away the freedom to be spontaneous and open. If you continue to engage with someone whose attentions are unwanted, you are not being stalked. What is needed is either a very firm no, or you need to make your true feelings very clear. If it is truly only friendship you want, don’t flirt, or respond to flirtatious overtures. Do not contact them if you truly do not want to have anything to do with them, not even for a friendly ‘how are you?’ and then be surprised when they respond.

I believe that we need to give each other clearer signals these days. The lines are so smudged and blurred those of us who are single find ourselves in a mine field when it comes to relationship communication. We all try so hard to be ‘nice’. Perhaps we should just learn to say "no" instead.

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